Not an Oracle

It begins with a sensation.

Like a fist to the stomach, an ice cold bath, a paper cut. Sharp and fast.
I'm standing at the top of the stairs and the sensation arrives, swift and direct, and the blood surges through my veins like lava and yes, I am ready to erupt. I am standing at the top of the stairs and the overwhelming urge to throw myself down its short flight of twenty steps grips me. Yet, these steps are not cushioned with linoleum or carpet, these are hard, cold concrete slaps and I want my skull to greet each one with a sickening crack. I want my bones to twist and snap and bend and break. I want my spine to shatter like peanut brittle. I want to feel each moment as I break and lose my shape. I don't want to recognise the reflection.

I've been here before.

Standing on the curb edge, waiting for the three tonne lorry to pass. Imagining what it would feel like to marry my flesh to it's hot metal. Or walking by the river, I wonder what it would be like to try to swallow it whole. The bubbles escaping from the corners of my mouth as I submerge further. I let it all in. Sinking deeper into the abyss.

Yet, it is fleeting. As quick as the sensation takes hold, it releases me from its clasp. Offering me a moment to look inside the cacophony of madness. It's like looking inside a large shell. The softest whisper is transformed in to a vibrating pulse that can not be escaped. It rings in your ears and the claws slide in.

And then it's gone.

Like a hypnotist snapping his fingers, his volunteer is brought back from the trance. He may be slightly dazed, bewildered even; what did he just experience? He's not quite sure but he knows it was fraught with danger. There's a relief afterwards. Thank god that's over with. Whatever that sensation was, whatever it meant, it's done with. Except as the willing volunteer stands up from the hypnotist's chair, he realises that he was not so willing after all and he's signed a contract with that sensation now. As sure as the sun rises each morning, that sensation is set to return.

It's a strange feeling when you come to the realisation that nothing will ever be the same again. We might think things are constant, we might even indulge in the same fruitless activities day in and day out with the preconception that it's ALWAYS THE SAME. But it's not. Somewhere, clock hands are turning, seasons are making their small changes daily, cells die and replicate. They are all making their subtle changes. As are we.

As I sit here on a cold Sunday in July, listening to the rain which hasn't ceased all day and Beach House's 'Apple Orchard' on repeat, I realise that I'm clambering to hold on to the things I've lost. Those seemingly endless hours of youth where adulthood felt as though it was an alien life-form living in a far off galaxy.

This was the moment the mild epiphany (if you can really call it that) occurred.

And you will have to forgive me for indulging in one or two clichés here, but sometimes they convey the idea in the simplest manner. Why spend time looking backwards when it has no use anymore? The past is the place we have come from but it sure isn't where we are going (unless time travel is discovered to be a reality). It's like being stuck in mud and you're facing the wrong way. You are not able to see any of the opportunities in front of you because you're fixed in one position, looking in the wrong damned direction!

I guess, I am a creature of habit and there's a certain security in looking at the past. It can't have any immediate effect on you. It's all over and done with and all you have to show for it is are a few fragmented memories, a bunch of scratches and scars and a little/infinite knowledge firing its way around inside of your skull. We may have collected all these things from the past and carry them around with us on a daily basis but there is no point in utilising them only to study how they were obtained back in the past and they may not even serve any purpose in the years ahead. However, one thing's for sure, the things coming at you, from this illusive concept we know as 'the future' sure can.

"In horoscopic astrology, a Saturn return is an astrological transit that occurs when the planet Saturn returns to the same place in the sky that it occupied at the moment of a person's birth." *

So here I am, slap bang in the middle of my first Saturn Return and it sure does feel confusingly turbulent. Theoretically speaking,'adulthood' should be the period of our lives when all the pieces start to come together; we develop a greater understanding of who we are and what role we play in society. The last threads of childhood should be cleanly snipped away and we can finally inhabit the adult skin we've harvested on our bones for all these years.

Throughout my early twenties I was convinced that as I began to reach the next decade (I still struggle to accept the word 'thirty'), everything would start to make more sense. The truth is, personally speaking, I've never felt further away from that ideology. The world is even more confusing, I will never understand a planet that harbours war, famine, murder, prejudice, animal cruelty and all the evils we see gracing the newspapers and magazines on a daily basis. My own personal world is just as confusing; I see people creating their own families and I am forced to accept that the prospect of doing the same is very unlikely. The idea of a career is a fallacy and I find that my greatest achievement is knowing that I have been able to make it through the day.

This is beginning to sound like 'Oh, woe me.' - However, this is not the case. I'm grateful for being in the position I am. It could be worse. We are the architects of our own future. We are solely responsible in shaping our own fate and we do this by making the most of what we have. In saying this, I'm still awaiting that 'Eureka!' moment. That soul-tingling, bone-shattering, mind-imploding instant where suddenly everything makes sense and you abruptly find yourself hurtling down the right path and you kick yourself and laugh because you 'knew it all along'.

I'm sure it's coming.

I guess most of us are looking for a similar thing and by this I don't mean having lots of money or owning an expensive house or being made 'top of the class'. It's beyond possessions or any other material object. It is about finally having that knowledge of where you fit in between the land and sky. It's about understanding how your actions are contributing to a greater use, therein attempting to create a better world even if the action is small in nature. It's about contentment, fulfilment and connection, however you may find it. I guess some people spend most of their lives trying to attain even a pinch of these things. It is a journey and at this moment in time, I have no idea of the destination. I can only hope that by the time of my next Saturn Return, I will have made a little more sense of it all.



*Source [Wikipedia.org - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return]

Morning arrives in its usual manner. Tangled bed sheets try to persuade me to stay rooted in a pleasurable dream state. The pillow creases on my face serve to remind me of the war I waged in the attempt to place bare feet on the cold floor and accept that the day has begun. Coffee consumed, teeth cleaned, mirror attacked, eyes closed, deep breath, headphones in, music on.

The roads are traveled and the thoughts are thought, sometimes blue skies and a welcoming sun. Sometimes, drizzle and the harsh attack of the wind. Words are spoken, the daily habits are played out, the script is adhered to, word for mundane word. I remind myself that it is not their fault that they do not know.

The light changes as Lady dusk begins to descend and soothe the land with her waning lullaby. A song that is only sung when an ending has begun. Yet it doesn't matter that I've heard this song before and I know the words like they've been carved on the bones beneath my skin. Shoes off, exhalation, curtains drawn, body fed, words spill.

I was having a conversation with a friend earlier this week and we ended up talking about time travel and alternate universes, which is pretty much bog-standard fodder for us to discuss. She asked me if I could go back in time and tell the younger version of myself one thing what would it be? My first inclination was to advise of either winning lottery numbers or to stop eating meat immediately or avoid getting into a relationship with a particular person. As I conjured up more and more answers, I began to realise that changing one specific thing might sound beneficial there and then but I would have no idea of what the consequences would be. Since I have known only this life, there is no way I could comprehend it being any different. After our conversation and my inability to come up with a solid answer, I began to ponder on it a little bit more. What one piece of information could serve useful to the younger version of myself?

I got caught in a web of specifics. Situations or circumstances that I could either avoid or make an alternative choice but all I was left with was a bucketful of 'what if's?' My focus was solely on changing one event and maybe that is what my friend had meant. Which one event would I change? But what if I was armed with one piece of information that could help not only myself but anyone who may look back on an event and wished for a different outcome. Then it struck me. The one thing that either hindered or caused me to make a bad choice or not act upon something.

Fear.

It is something we can all relate to. The cold grip that grabs by the arms, the constriction in your throat, an overwhelming sensation of turning to stone. Fear is the instinctual emotion that takes over in order to keep us from harm, however it runs deeper in some of us. Fear tells us to run from the axe-wielding maniac or the venomous spider the size of a small cat or alternatively it spurs us to fight against them. The rush of adrenaline persuades either 'fight or flight' and we have no choice but to act. This is fear in the extreme sense. Fear infringes on many other aspects of life; confidence, social interactions, changes. It can make the difference between a good choice or a bad choice. A pleasant experience or a bad one. We have all known fear in one degree or another. When I was younger I lived with fear on a daily basis. The fear of people finding out I was gay and that I was 'different' from everyone else. The fear that I could not relate to anyone else or that they could relate to me. That I was not 'good enough' or that I should be punished. It ran deep and in a way I was victimising myself with these issues. I wish I could have been more fearless. If I could have just banished those limitations that I placed on myself and realised that later in life, those sorts of things would not matter anymore. I would grow to learn that others have had similar experiences and these did not define who we are.
If I could go back in time and tell my younger version one thing it would be; 'be fearless'.