Not an Oracle

I will be frank.

- There are days when you don't wake up because you haven't slept all night.

- You've lost track of what day/month/year it is and all you can feel is a sense of dread as you try to systematically recall what day it was yesterday.

- You wonder if the thud in your chest is caused by your heart beating or your soul trying to escape.

- You find yourself going through the motions despite not knowing how you got from point A to point B because you were internally scolding yourself for not sleeping last night. This is then proceeded by you being mad at yourself for 'self-scolding' because you know it can't be helped.

- You successfully manage to make it out of the door and you wonder 'now what?' and 'is this it?' The best questions seem to consist of two or three words. Each word resembling an injection of antifreeze, a piano falling on your head, a second lost.

- You try to conclude whether you are 'wasting time' or 'losing time' and what the difference is between the two.

- You realise that these were some of the thoughts plaguing your bed the previous night so you try to distract yourself.

- You read a newspaper but each story takes you from one horror to the next and you scour the pages attempting to find something they call 'good news' but you're suddenly at the obituaries and it all seems crystal clear now.

The shakiness of my hands matches the tremble in my voice.

I am the walking stitched-up skin-sack filled with hollow brittle bones you see walking on the street. The flimsy bamboo shoot melody as they clink and clank with each forced footstep.

Heart as large as the moon. Gulping bowling-ball sized mouthfuls of air except it no longer tastes like air any more. Surgical. It is merely a desperate clinging for survival and my god... why is my heart racing so much? 'You're a man.' He said, 'men don't behave like this, quit complaining, snap out of it and get back in the game.'

I can see my atoms structured only with empty vessels of frenzy and perspiration. Molecules weakened by years of thinking a particular way. There's a heaviness pressing down, pinned by a shadow with a body as strong as ten men. Why is my heart battling my ribcage like a child kicking a ball against the wall? Thud, skid, thud, thud, skid.

And with each breath, the world collapses in on itself and the electricity that surges through my nervous system causes nothing but convulsions and shivers of biblical proportions. I've never felt so hot and so cold at the same time.

Walking like a drunk through the streets lined with litter and decomposing broken hearts.

You stole my voice yet again.

The words will not form. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Except you stole the concept of hope a long time ago when you first wrapped your wrinkled, bony arms around me that time I could not scrub myself clean. The water ran red.

I thought you were a lesson I had to learn but I now know that you are just a curse I need to bury deep down in those fields of grey. The 3 am whispers must be put to bed and your clinical clawing has to cease.

The battle must be won.

Some days are a chore. You wake up too early and after that first cup of coffee, everything starts to go wrong. You leave the house and it starts to rain and you remember thinking fifteen minutes before ‘I should grab that umbrella’. You roll your eyes and suppress a smile, ‘such a cliche’ you say to yourself. Then the wind picks up and the rain turns torrential and the hair you had spent twenty minutes perfecting has been whipped and tossed out of shape and you throw up your hood in resentment. ‘Fine’ you say to yourself and you give in; you challenge the wind and rain to come at you. You don’t care anymore, you do your best to prove to the world that it does not matter that you are freezing cold and soaked to the bone and look worse than you did before you rolled out of bed. You reside in the knowledge that it can only get better from now on. Of course, within a few more minutes, you are proven completely wrong by the neighbourly passer-by who seems unable to acknowledge that you are walking in the same direction and pushes past you, knocking you into a puddle. Of course it splashes up your leg and it’s ice cold and it causes you to gasp. You think of obscenities to shout at this rude passer-by but by the time you pluck up the courage to utter one of them, he has vanished out of sight. And thus, the day follows suit. Everything that could go wrong does go wrong. At times, you find it hysterical. you think it must be some sort of personal cosmic joke or you are the prime target of a hidden camera show. These are merely grand illusions and you are not important enough to star in a hidden camera show. Maybe it’s karma you tell yourself but the worst thing you did was forget to pay a bill or lost your temper when your phone ran out of battery power right when you needed it. But what about the time you let a lady go before you in the supermarket queue when she was in a hurry or the time you ran after a gentleman after he had dropped his wallet whilst crossing the road. The least you can expect is a ‘thank you’.

And then you are reminded of why we get up in the morning. It could be a startling sunset, one of those where the sky illuminates with a plethora of colours, especially when withered clouds are back-lit with a green-purple tinge and there’s a ritualistic stillness in the air as though everything is waiting for the solar glow to diminish before it can come alive. It could be those kind words from a loved one or an embrace when touch feels like it’s been imprisoned for a century. A calm breeze conversing with the trees or your favourite song appears on your ipod when you have set it to ‘shuffle’. A cup of hot chocolate and an old movie while curled up under the bed covers. A moment of creativity. A random act of kindness. A kiss. Life can be heavy, it can be frustrating and bleak but we know that it doesn’t last forever and everything passes. There will be bad times but there will also be good and we have to carry the good with us, in everything we do. We may feel burdened with the negativity but we can choose to focus on the good.