offwiththeirdollheads: (Default)
I will be frank.

- There are days when you don't wake up because you haven't slept all night.

- You've lost track of what day/month/year it is and all you can feel is a sense of dread as you try to systematically recall what day it was yesterday.

- You wonder if the thud in your chest is caused by your heart beating or your soul trying to escape.

- You find yourself going through the motions despite not knowing how you got from point A to point B because you were internally scolding yourself for not sleeping last night. This is then proceeded by you being mad at yourself for 'self-scolding' because you know it can't be helped.

- You successfully manage to make it out of the door and you wonder 'now what?' and 'is this it?' The best questions seem to consist of two or three words. Each word resembling an injection of antifreeze, a piano falling on your head, a second lost.

- You try to conclude whether you are 'wasting time' or 'losing time' and what the difference is between the two.

- You realise that these were some of the thoughts plaguing your bed the previous night so you try to distract yourself.

- You read a newspaper but each story takes you from one horror to the next and you scour the pages attempting to find something they call 'good news' but you're suddenly at the obituaries and it all seems crystal clear now.
offwiththeirdollheads: (Default)
Music. Good music. Preferably something upbeat but sometimes this depends on what the weather is like. Sun tends to bring rock or electronic, spring-like weather entices the singer-songwriters, the poets or the folk artists.
A decent breakfast which tends to mean a large cup of coffee, extra hot and a peanut butter bagel.
Hugs. A communication between two people. These are a necessity.
Fresh air. Life force, another necessity. Essential in fact.
Smiles, laughter, the medicine of the soul.
Kind words. Whether received or given. These are the reminders.


Dec. 31st, 2013 08:30 pm
offwiththeirdollheads: (Default)
So maybe I will move to an old abandoned farmhouse in the middle of nowhere and spend my time reading old books and take up a hobby like restoring antique furniture or painting. For company, I would raise chickens and pigs and I might keep a couple of cows further out field. Nights would be spent stargazing and drinking whiskey whilst remaining convinced that the bedroom at the end of the hallway was haunted. I would find the idea of a haunted room quite humbling as long as it was a peaceful spirit with a sense of humour. Summers would be long and humid but only during the daytime; I would drink home-made lemonade and cycle around the country. There would be orchards and cornfields to explore and when autumn brings its chill, I would wear large jumpers and cardigans and take the dogs for long walks. I'd convert the basement into a small wine cellar and keep candles in every room. There will be a large bookcase in the dining room (and yes this is a LARGE abandoned farmhouse), Kerouac, Rimbaud, Salinger and Burroughs would grace the shelves and there will always be music playing in every room. A rickety, old upright piano will live in the corner and the floors would be lined with large, detailed Persian rugs. The kitchen would be the heart of the house the smell of baked food would drift through each room inviting guests towards the welcoming centre. And there would be love; two strong arms that wrap around and offer up nothing but acceptance and longing. Two heartbeats and one rhythm. Two minds and one communion.


Dec. 2nd, 2013 10:30 pm
offwiththeirdollheads: (Default)
Some days are a chore. You wake up too early and after that first cup of coffee, everything starts to go wrong. You leave the house and it starts to rain and you remember thinking fifteen minutes before ‘I should grab that umbrella’. You roll your eyes and suppress a smile, ‘such a cliche’ you say to yourself. Then the wind picks up and the rain turns torrential and the hair you had spent twenty minutes perfecting has been whipped and tossed out of shape and you throw up your hood in resentment. ‘Fine’ you say to yourself and you give in; you challenge the wind and rain to come at you. You don’t care anymore, you do your best to prove to the world that it does not matter that you are freezing cold and soaked to the bone and look worse than you did before you rolled out of bed. You reside in the knowledge that it can only get better from now on. Of course, within a few more minutes, you are proven completely wrong by the neighbourly passer-by who seems unable to acknowledge that you are walking in the same direction and pushes past you, knocking you into a puddle. Of course it splashes up your leg and it’s ice cold and it causes you to gasp. You think of obscenities to shout at this rude passer-by but by the time you pluck up the courage to utter one of them, he has vanished out of sight. And thus, the day follows suit. Everything that could go wrong does go wrong. At times, you find it hysterical. you think it must be some sort of personal cosmic joke or you are the prime target of a hidden camera show. These are merely grand illusions and you are not important enough to star in a hidden camera show. Maybe it’s karma you tell yourself but the worst thing you did was forget to pay a bill or lost your temper when your phone ran out of battery power right when you needed it. But what about the time you let a lady go before you in the supermarket queue when she was in a hurry or the time you ran after a gentleman after he had dropped his wallet whilst crossing the road. The least you can expect is a ‘thank you’.

And then you are reminded of why we get up in the morning. It could be a startling sunset, one of those where the sky illuminates with a plethora of colours, especially when withered clouds are back-lit with a green-purple tinge and there’s a ritualistic stillness in the air as though everything is waiting for the solar glow to diminish before it can come alive. It could be those kind words from a loved one or an embrace when touch feels like it’s been imprisoned for a century. A calm breeze conversing with the trees or your favourite song appears on your ipod when you have set it to ‘shuffle’. A cup of hot chocolate and an old movie while curled up under the bed covers. A moment of creativity. A random act of kindness. A kiss. Life can be heavy, it can be frustrating and bleak but we know that it doesn’t last forever and everything passes. There will be bad times but there will also be good and we have to carry the good with us, in everything we do. We may feel burdened with the negativity but we can choose to focus on the good.


offwiththeirdollheads: (Default)
Not an Oracle

January 2016


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