offwiththeirdollheads: (Default)
"In horoscopic astrology, a Saturn return is an astrological transit that occurs when the planet Saturn returns to the same place in the sky that it occupied at the moment of a person's birth." *

So here I am, slap bang in the middle of my first Saturn Return and it sure does feel confusingly turbulent. Theoretically speaking,'adulthood' should be the period of our lives when all the pieces start to come together; we develop a greater understanding of who we are and what role we play in society. The last threads of childhood should be cleanly snipped away and we can finally inhabit the adult skin we've harvested on our bones for all these years.

Throughout my early twenties I was convinced that as I began to reach the next decade (I still struggle to accept the word 'thirty'), everything would start to make more sense. The truth is, personally speaking, I've never felt further away from that ideology. The world is even more confusing, I will never understand a planet that harbours war, famine, murder, prejudice, animal cruelty and all the evils we see gracing the newspapers and magazines on a daily basis. My own personal world is just as confusing; I see people creating their own families and I am forced to accept that the prospect of doing the same is very unlikely. The idea of a career is a fallacy and I find that my greatest achievement is knowing that I have been able to make it through the day.

This is beginning to sound like 'Oh, woe me.' - However, this is not the case. I'm grateful for being in the position I am. It could be worse. We are the architects of our own future. We are solely responsible in shaping our own fate and we do this by making the most of what we have. In saying this, I'm still awaiting that 'Eureka!' moment. That soul-tingling, bone-shattering, mind-imploding instant where suddenly everything makes sense and you abruptly find yourself hurtling down the right path and you kick yourself and laugh because you 'knew it all along'.

I'm sure it's coming.

I guess most of us are looking for a similar thing and by this I don't mean having lots of money or owning an expensive house or being made 'top of the class'. It's beyond possessions or any other material object. It is about finally having that knowledge of where you fit in between the land and sky. It's about understanding how your actions are contributing to a greater use, therein attempting to create a better world even if the action is small in nature. It's about contentment, fulfilment and connection, however you may find it. I guess some people spend most of their lives trying to attain even a pinch of these things. It is a journey and at this moment in time, I have no idea of the destination. I can only hope that by the time of my next Saturn Return, I will have made a little more sense of it all.



*Source [Wikipedia.org - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return]
offwiththeirdollheads: (Default)
I'm taking up the spare seat in the confessional box and hiding that beaten old copy of the Bible under the threadbare cushion. I'm not a religious person but there is something that I have been hiding. I thought I could neatly fold it up, seal it in an envelope and place it in a box which would then be buried twenty feet underground in an impenetrable safe with no lock or key. Unfortunately the secret is already out to some people and I fear it will only be a matter of time before everyone else is made aware of this piece of sensitive information.

Okay, so here goes...

Ready?

Okay...

I am turning thirty in a few months.

There I said it.

Thirty.

The number three followed by a perfectly circular zero.

Thirty.

One big flashing number painted in red and projected in to the sky like the Gotham's bat-signal. I might as well get used to saying it.
The 'getting older' part is not the issue. I have somewhat accepted the ageing process despite the seemingly increasing cons of spending more time on this planet. I guess the issue is this; I expected to be at a position in my life where things were 'in place'. I would have made a career breakthrough or at least be on the beginning rungs of a some form of successful profession. I would have a house and children... Actually thinking back, I may have also expected to be married to a beautiful wife too... Evidently things change.

Thirty was meant to be the secure age. The age when things made sense and life was would start to bear fruit. The truth is, it never felt more terrifying and more confusing. It seemed to make more sense ten years ago. Maybe I should have had a plan? Maybe I should have made more changes? As more and more of my peers settle into marriages and begin picking out colours to paint their children's bedrooms whilst accepting employment promotions and hosting barbecues in their perfectly preened back gardens in the summer months, I guess I need to ask myself the question: is this the life I wanted?

We all have different expectations and nothing is ever permanently formed in stone. People change. Events happen. Lessons are taught. Realistically, it would be impractical to ascertain every goal by a particular age. Or maybe it is completely practical, maybe the goals have to be better formed? Whatever the answer, there is no changing the inevitable journey of getting older. Wrinkles will form. Weight will cling to the bone. Hair will be peppered with white and silver.

Inevitable.

Why resist?

I am just going to have clench my teeth, I will grin and bear it. I am good at doing that. There is still time yet. Right? I have to learn not to subject myself to this notion. All things happen in time. It takes longer for others. Every day is a new journey. See... I am already reeling off the generic, positive affirmations that become more prevalent with age. It is already happening.

Okay, breathe...

It's just a number. It doesn't mean anything. It's just another year like all the rest.

Right?

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Not an Oracle

January 2016

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